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Say ‘No’ To South Dakota Christmas Lawn Mooses

Christmas Snowman
Ben Davis

First of all I wasn’t sure if the plural of Moose is Moose, Mooses, or Meese. Went with Mooses cuz it seems right. But that’s not the point. Stay with me on this.

Second, the forecast high temperature for Sioux Falls today (September 12) is +85 degrees. That’s fahrenheit. Not that sissy centigrade that the French use.

The last thing I expected to bushwhack me in the store aisles in Sioux Falls was a Christmas lawn snowman.

I can be as jolly as the next guy but it is morally, ethically, and digestively wrong to start selling Christmas crap in September!

There needs to be a law for stores concerning what is sold and when. And the law should read:

“As long as there exists anything Pumpkin Spicy being sold anywhere in your state you are forbidden to market Christmas lights, decorations, trinkets, or stuff that remotely refers to the imminent arrival of the winter holiday season. Any infraction of this law shall be punished instantly by a sound beating with an Electric Christmas Lawn Moose. (PICTURED BELOW)”

Lawn Moose
Ben Davis

Stores could be required to keep a lawn moose mounted on the wall next to the fire extinguisher with a sign that reads: “In case of early Decoration Law emergency break glass and dole out an Electric Christmas Lawn Moose Beat Down!”

I also propose that the first few beatings be recorded and published on all social media so as to set an example of what happens when you screw with the holidays ’round here.

Oh and other than drunken Canadians, who the hell puts an electric moose on their lawn??

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