The bars, or excuse me, the pubs as the Irish call them, are busy on St. Patrick's Day. Many people choose to consume large amounts of alcohol on this holiday.

Some places even offer green colored beer. And the mugs are emptied and refilled over and over by the patrons.

I, in the past, have partaken in joining the celebration and I'm not even Irish. As a matter of fact, most of the people out wooping it up aren't Irish.

You don't have to be. You just have to be good at drinking beer.

Now I must point out that things can and will go wrong for you if you've had too much. I will now take it upon myself to offer some advice. Here we go:


  • Symptom: Feet cold and wet. Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
  • Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. Fault: Glass empty. Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.
  • Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. Fault: You have fallen over backward. Action: Have yourself chained to the bar.
  • Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. Fault: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. Action: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
  • Symptom: Floor blurred. Fault: You are looking through the bottom of empty glass. Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.
  • Symptom: Floor moving. Fault: You are being carried out. Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
  • Symptom: Room seems unusually dark. Fault: Bar has closed. Action: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.