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False Alarm on Diarrhea Incident at Big Sioux River

Andy Erickson
Andy Erickson

A mild overreaction from a concerned citizen led to a brief panic in Sioux Falls on Wednesday.

A report of a “diarrhea incident” near 57th Street and Western Avenue had officials scrambling into hazmat suits and emptying the bleach bunkers, as is standard protocol for this type of event. A “sloppy diaper” was reported to be floating in the water.

However, confusion arose when officials realized there isn’t a Center of Recreation Aquatic Park (CRAP) in that area of the city.

Emergency personnel shut off their lights and sirens when it was realized that the reporting party was talking about a baby’s used diaper that had found it’s way into the Big Sioux River.

Mortimer Johnson of the city’s CRAP SWAT team said it has been a busy summer.

“Every summer we have trouble with CRAP’s all over the city,” Johnson said. The CRAP at McKennen park was the worst of the year for sure. That took a dozen men, three trucks, 52 barrels of bleach, and two gallon Ziplock bags to get that CRAP cleaned up. We never needed the gallon bags!”

As for the incident on Wednesday, Johnson said there was really nothing to be alarmed about.

“The Big Sioux is basically a giant toilet that hasn’t been flushed in 80 years,” he said. “There’s really nothing to be concerned about if a dirty diaper floater is out there. Go ahead and kayak away. Just keep your mouth closed and don’t paddle too hard.”

This is satire. It’s not real, obviously. But it was fun to write. ~Andy

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